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Tales From A BJ’s Wholesale Club…

Joey Boats

So as I type this, it’s Monday night and the New Orleans Saints are well on their way to losing to Scam Newton and that pack of underachieving frauds in Carolina. Say what you want, but has any team sunk into obscurity for less of a reason than New Orleans? Three weeks ago, the Saints were America’s demo crew. They had back to back games of 48+ points, got popped by the Cowboys, and handled Tampa Bay but seemingly everyone’s forgot about them and I have no idea why.

Side Note: I know the cliché thing on Twitter nowadays is to rip on Jason Witten and the MNF broadcast (and rightfully so) but I refuse to give in to societal pressure. To be honest, if you’re someone who rips their hair out over on-air slip-ups or weird statistical graphics then you’re most likely a virgin. That said, I need to address the crane…

Why the fuck is Booger in the crane? How is that enhancing, or for that matter, manipulating the viewer experience at all? Am I supposed to trust Booger’s analysis more because he’s seated in elevated machinery? I just keep picturing him waltzing up to upper management and suggesting “Why not just allow me to sit in the booth?” as some sinister broadcast executive deviously turns around and threatens, “What part of get in the fucking crane do you not understand…Booger?” as he holds up a picture of Booger’s wife and kids.

Anyway, I made my routine trip down to the BJ’s Wholesale Club on my commute home tonight and, as always, it was a shit show. Basically everywhere the week leading up to Christmas is a shit show but BJ’s always seems to hit that “second gear” sportscasters like to reference during player highlights.

For those of you unfamiliar, BJ’s is awesome, and in a much different way than the gay strip club in western MA I frequent on occasion (for the wings) that shares the same name. It’s essentially this chain of giant warehouses that sell all of your favorite products, but in bulk. In other words, if you’re looking for a 12-pack of refrigerators, BJ’s got you covered.

So yeah, one of the perks of heading to BJ’s is the surplus of elderly people handing out free samples. Unlike most supermarkets, BJ’s routinely has about 4-5 staff members stationed around the frozen food section, shelling out mozzarella sticks or multigrain crackers or exotic smoothie shots. For most people, this would be awesome; for a neurotic sociopath like myself, it’s troublesome.

I talk about social etiquette in my blogs a lot and, for some reason or another, I can’t bring myself to simply grab a free sample and go. I feel like I owe the free sample person something back in return. Perhaps a comment or, at the very least, an excuse as to why I won’t be buying that product today. Normally, I’ll grab the free sample—let’s say it’s a slice of pizza—and express some reprehensibly stupid sentiment like “Wow, is that multigrain dough? You can barely taste it” as I lean in/gaze into the display box like I’m some criminal investigator scanning the Zapruder Film for leads.

Today, I just grabbed, completely ignored the woman behind the stand. Felt good…

Before I left, I ran into something that I feel warrants a shoutout. Check out this fucking family below:

First of all, each of this woman’s kids were decked out in matching karate suits or something; more importantly though, is this the most low-key preposterous shopping cart of all time?

For starters, the woman bought enough mayonnaise to flood an aquarium. To put this in perspective, a single wholesale box of mayonnaise consists of three, 3-gallon jugs—that’s 384 fluid ounces of mayonnaise—and this monster bought TWO of them. In total, that’s 768 fluid ounces of mayonnaise.

The only justification for such a move is that this family must absolutely POUND mayonnaise on the reg—I’m talking breakfast, lunch, dinner, and probably dessert. When this woman returns home from work, she must just heave a gallon on the table while her three kids toss individual straws into the bucket and suck it down.

On top of that, this woman bought roughly 200 rolls of toilet paper and paper towels (she added a second bundle of each after I snapped the picture), which means these animals must be drilling the bathroom every 20 minutes on the dot—presumably due to excessive mayonnaise consumption.

Finally, this woman bought six individual boxes of Q-Tips consisting of approximately 1,900 cotton swabs each—a grand total of 11,400 individual cotton swabs. According to everything I’ve learned through twelve years of math, each member of that family could clean both ears three times a day for an entire year—and still have more than enough cotton swabs left over to ensure a few of their pets’ hygienic well-being as well. Wild stuff… Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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