Basic Bitchin’: Cris Collinsworth (Inaugural Edition)

Often times people say they were ‘put on this earth’ to do something. Beyonce was born to sing, Steve Jobs to invent, Tom Brady to play football. It took a long time for me to figure out what I was born to do, but there’s only one thing I was brought into this world  naturally good at: complaining.

I fear ever being in situations where someone asks what my hobbies are or what I like to do for fun. Once I get past watching football alone in my apartment, my mind goes a little blank. I can’t think of anything else I really enjoy that a good old fashion bitch session. I need at least one a day. It could be a slow driver in the high speed lane, when they’re out of cauliflower gnocchi at Trader Joe’s, or the lack of progress in the gender pay gap. I’m going to make a great old Jewish grandmother, and I’m practicing for it now.


Some people might call me a pessimist, but I like to think of it as realism. No one is as cool as they portray on the internet, and instead of seeing what’s best in people, I see what’s most annoying. A true genetic gift.

My 3 friends and my mom will be glad to learn of this new outlet for my complaints; I imagine it can be mentally exhausting to keep up with who or what I’m annoyed at each day/hour/minute.

I don’t want to do this one specific day per week, or keep it on a strict schedule because you never really know when the mental breakdowns are going to hit. With the Patriots losing their second straight game to drop to the 3rd seed in the AFC and potentially play on Wild Card weekend this year I’m right in the thick of one.

But it’s the holiday season and everyone needs an antagonist–a Grinch, a Scrooge–if you will. Once Christmas is over, it’s peak complaining szn. It’s fucking freezing, I have to spend at least 1 morning a week scraping snow off my car and don’t forget I’m still trying to get used to LeBron James being a Laker.

My first edition of basic bitchin’ is unfortunately to bury Cris Collinsworth jokes. I’m trying to get ahead of the trend here and declare Cris Collinsworth jokes dead. It’s one of those things that’s only funny when they aren’t in on the joke. Once Michael Scott gets word of the joke, the episode ends. The minute one of Cris Collinsworth’s kids friends starting giving them a hard time for their dad being a Twitter sensation, we’ve got to move on.

On Sunday, a couple of weeks after he understood his weekly entrance had gone viral, he was shown an edited video that exploded on Twitter, with patrons at a bar losing their minds when Collinsworth slides in. It was then texted to him countless times, including “the laughing emoji with tears in the eyes.”

insane footage of a bar going wild for Cris Collinsworth Sunday night slide-in

— Quigs (@BigSeanQ) December 10, 2018

It’s almost like some millennial told him you know what will really drive them wild? Change up the technique a little bit, people love change! Look how much everyone loves the new Carrie Underwood MNF theme song!

Unfortunately, he just got too cute with it tonight. You just don’t mess with the classics. It’s like sometimes when Gronk makes fun of himself for being dumb. We can’t have that kind of self-awareness getting to his spirit. It’s better when it’s genuine. Whoever let Cris Collinsworth in on the secret really let us down in this situation. If Collinsworth just keeps rollin on in, oblivious to the viral videos of him driving a bar nuts, we can keep workshopping some new Collinsworth roll-in content. Another inside joke gone wrong, Twitter.

Listening to Cris Collinsworth’s squirrel-y, nasal-y, know it all voice is obnoxious enough every Sunday night, but now that he thinks he’s cool on Twitter?


So unfortunately it’s sad I have to do this but

RIP to Cris Collinsworth slide in jokes. 

December 2018-December 2018 

“If it’s funny and makes me laugh, I’m all good with it,” he said. “God forbid I do the ‘Electric Slide’ at a wedding or something. People would lose their minds.”

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