Welcome to another edition of Ru how to, I’m Ru. Today we’re going to walk you through a break up with your girlfriend before Christmas comes around. It’s a hard time of the year for all of us. Buying gifts, making plans, what to wear, who to get what – it’s all a mess. You don’t need to worry about how to break up with your girlfriend on top of that. Let me walk you through it step by step. Follow my directions and you’ll be single by December 22nd.
It’s the day of Thanksgiving and you, once again, forgot to do it. You didn’t break up with your girlfriend, and you know you can’t do it today. You want to watch football and eat heartily, but breaking up with her before a big family event will make that tough. You know you have to bite the bullet for a few days, swallow your pride, and deal with it. “Oh well,” you figure, as you’ll get another week of so-so sex and half-hearted blow jobs. It’s a win-win for you. December 1st rolls around and you know you need to get this done. Christmas will be here before you know it, but in your head, Christmas might as well be 7 months from now. You want to try the new Texas Roadhouse up the street and you don’t want to get a date. You’ll just ask your girlfriend and break up with her tomorrow. Before you know it, you’re both in bed doing the Texas two-step, having bloated loud steak sex. Next thing you know, it’s December 12th and you’re half-way to Christmas. Don’t worry, we have it under control.
You wake up, it’s December 12th, and you have to do it. You’re scared, you can’t let this go on any longer, but listen to me carefully… Don’t do it today. Ignore her, don’t answer texts, don’t talk to her, be the guy she liked in high school. The guy who didn’t realize she existed. This is setting the mood. She’ll want you to break up and make it easy. Now this is where it gets tough. You and I both know once you break up, you have nobody in the farm system to bring up to your bench. You won’t be doing any banging, fuckin, sucking or getting lubed-up hand jobs for a while. You need her to hate you enough to not want to be together, but still be down for a little sex sometimes. Talk to her about the previous day, say it was a bad day, but leave it at that. Don’t get deep, and don’t ask her about her day, just keep it moving. Business as usual. She’ll feel bad and want to help, but respect your space. Be mad enough that you want space so close to Christmas. It’s the perfect storm. Keep this up for a few days.
Now it’s December 18th. This is the day you’re going to do it. You’re going to break it off for good. You’ll be a free man. Call your lady and say these exact words “Hey, I want to go out tonight and talk about our future. There is a lot I’m excited for, and I need you to be a part of the conversation.” This is perfect. She won’t suspect a thing. She thinks you’re proposing to her, so she won’t go into the situation already angry and worry all day. That’s what you want. Dress nicely, so when you pick her up for dinner, she’ll assume you’re very serious. Put on those jeans that fit just right. The ones that stop just at the top of your shoes and form perfectly to your butt. They show off how nice and big your thighs are. You’re a power hitter and these jeans don’t let her forget that. Find a nice black shirt that shows off the chest. Make sure it’s clean and perfectly black like the night sky, and what her and her friends pretend their heart is – black like death. We know it isn’t. Girls are so silly when they act rough around the edges. This is why we lie to them, for their own good. On top of that, put on a green bomber jacket that stops just at the waist. Make sure you’re looking supreme. You want to look good when you crush her soul. This next part is key – don’t bring up your future at dinner. When she brings it up, you tell her about a dog you saw today. She’ll stay on the topic of dogs all night. Drive back to her place together and go inside, this is where you’re going to do it.
You arrive at her house, you look over at her in the passenger seat, wipe away a piece of hair from her face and give her a kiss. Say something like, “We’ll never forget tonight” … because it’s the truth. Go inside together, and the second she starts talking, kiss her. Make out like it’s the first and last make out of your life. Love her like you’ve never loved her before, or ever will again. Tell her something sweet, a story perhaps. Bring up that time you both wanted to go on Magic Mountain on your Disney vacation, but the ride was down for maintenance, so you went back to the hotel room, a tad small but you made it work. It’s your first vacation together and you just want to spend it making love. You remind her of the good times, and she reminds you. You begin to question everything – should you break up? Do you love her? Is this a mistake? Yes, you should break up and no you don’t love her – that’s just her pussy talking. Don’t stop though, continue to love her. Strip your clothes off and tell her how she looks beautiful in the moonlight, even though her apartment doesn’t get any moon light in it – and you know you had a conversation about this with her when she got it. You told her time and time again about the lack of moon light and she didn’t listen – good! Now you’re angry. You’re ready to end it. But first, you need to complete the transaction. Time to go deep like Bonds in the summer of ’01.
Make love to her, tell her how much she means to you and give her a sexual experience she will never forget . Do that move with your hips she likes, where you kind of make your body into a cracking whip. This will help for later on when she reaches out for a booty call because you laid the stick down. Do your deed and spill the seed. Roll over out of breath. Let her cuddle you. Her heart is full and soon will not be. She will tell you how excited she is to spend Christmas with your family. Get up, sit on the edge of the bed… here comes the moment of truth. Put your clothes on and say, “My mother doesn’t think we are good together and I have to break up with you.” Run out of there. Get out. Haul ass and don’t look back. Whatever is left behind can be replaced. Live to date another day. You’re free. Christmas as a single man with mere days to spare. You’re welcome.
There you have it, gents. That’s how you get it done. Come back next week when I tell you how to get your girl back for New Years.
Dad are you leaving mom?