Hear me out.
I’ve reached my breaking point in the KFC Nugs saga. Recently KFC’s wife posted an IG story of a moving truck. I won’t repost it out of respect, but when I saw it, I thought the same thing anyone would. Yikes. Not a great sign.
Was the writing on the wall? Yes, but yesterday was the last straw when this Deke Zucker tweet hit my timeline.
“I’m in this house by myself, this 4 bedroom house while we’re selling it, and I’m trying to save some fucking money. I turned the heat off. It was 54ª in my fucking house. I felt like I was homeless. I rolled out of bed and my joints were frozen solid.” — @KFCBarstool on #CCK
— Deke Zucker (@Barstool_Quotes) December 10, 2018
Nope that’s it, I can’t take it any longer. I’m #TeamKFC. Not the cheating part but the “if you had to pick a a side gun to your head” part.
Now before I go on any further, I want to clarify one thing, yes this is going to be nice and rude at the same time. In September I ran a blog in which I thought I was being very nice to Kevin. He was running a charity type of campaign for a fellow Mets fan, Ally, and what I simply wrote was “yes he cheated on his wife but he’s still a good enough guy.”
Just because a man cheats on his wife doesn’t mean he’d steal money from a girl fighting cancer. With everything being said about Kevin on the interweb at that time, I’d go as far to say, that might be the nicest thing anyone has written or said about KFC since before the scandal broke. Fast forward a week after that, KFC was recording an episode and happened to mention the blog. I like to think in his heart of hearts he knew I meant nothing but respect. Listen and you be the judge for yourself.
Anyway, back to the Deke Zucker tweet. This is a level of sad loneliness I can’t just sit around any longer and watch without stepping in. I have been a KFC fan since day one. One of the reasons I started blogging was because Kevin was a major influence. So now I’m here to return the favor.
Kevin, it’s time to finally get hot. You’ve been saying it for God knows how long, but there has never been a better time to get your sexy on than right now. Think about it. You have the kids what? Every other week? That leaves you 5-7 days in a row to get your swole on. All you need is a little guidance and I am here to provide that to you, pro bono of course. I studied kinesiology in college and I’m a certified PT.
I can take this pile of single early 30’s divorcee
And mold it into a Greek God that even The Rock would take a step back and say “oh my word?!?!?!!” You and I are early 30’s fellas, we missed the Tinder game but now you get a shot to dip your toe in the slutty water. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you swipe left and right all willy nilly like looking like that. Time to tighten up!
You can do better. We can do better. Just think about it Kev. We could even barter this deal. I give you the body of a 23 year old in peak condition and you can teach me to be a better blogger. Tantalizing, I know.
2019 is the year KFC finally gets hot. Feits can too, but if we’re being honest, John has this weird boy next door, “I’m not a threat to anyone” charm that Kevin, you just can’t pull off. Fat or hot it works for John, so he might as well just be fat. So much easier. Some guys have all the luck.
Follow me on twitter (@JPopo07) KFC and we’ll DM to set up your routine. This is it. This is your moment. Beach bod 2019 starts today.