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Ru How To: Your First Time

Hey everybody, welcome to another edition of a Ru how to, I’m Ru. We all have our first times in life.  Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s exciting and sometimes a little bit of both.  Don’t worry boys and girls I’m here to help out.  Get out your paper and pen and put on some relaxing music, we’re gonna take a little ride.

Your first time can be scary, it can make you nervous and have you unsure of what to do.  Let’s take it slow and go step by step.  It’s an early July morning, you wake up the sun is shining and birds are chirping.  Your parents have left for work and you have the house to yourself.  Your girlfriend sends you a text, “Good morning, babe! I love you!”  She doesn’t really love you, you guys are 15 and have no clue what love is, you’ll break up in 3-6 months and think your life is over.  She’s a sophomore 9 and you’re a sophomore 4.  Don’t worry she will be an adult 3 and you’ll turn into a 7 at best. Anyway, you respond to her and tell her you love her too.  You text some more and she brings it up.  “Babe we’re going to be together forever, I love you, I’m ready” You sweat a little thinking of what to say, “Wow babe! really!?” you text with joy.  She says yes and tells you she’s going to shower and eat she’ll be over at 1pm.  You put your phone down and start doing push-ups.  You stop as a thought of fear comes to your face.  You don’t know how to please a woman.  What is a boy to do?

It’s 12pm she’ll be there in an hour, don’t worry its going to be ok.  Now listen to me very carefully.  Jerk off.  Just do it, make it quick but do it.  Don’t have one of those times where the house is empty, you draw the blinds.  You grab the laptop and put it at the angle to your bed ever so gently.  You get under the covers and you feel a nice chill of the sheets on your backside.  You find your favorite actress and make ever so sweet music to yourself.  Not that, take all of 10 seconds and finish it.  Now you’re calm, you didn’t do that to last longer, you need to relax the adrenaline or you’ll jump out of your skin.  Jump in the shower, take a long shower, wash everything three times.  Leave no stone unturned and turn every stone.  Get out of the shower, its 12:30 this is going to be hard but you need to be patient, air dry.  Don’t let a towel touch your body, let the air dry you.  Now that you’re dry get dressed, don’t put on a three-piece suit put on some nice khaki shorts and a nice T-shirt.  You don’t have to look sexy but don’t look like a slob either.  its 12:53 she’ll be here at any moment, you hear the doorbell you look up its 12:55 she’s early!  It’s ok don’t panic it’s time to answer the door.

You open the door and say “You’re early” This will be a funny joke to tell your friends in ten years because you’re going to finish early as well.  She says, “I couldn’t wait”  she comes inside, you won’t be.  She takes you by the hand and you go upstairs to your room.  I know you feel your legs trembling you’re going to have to get yourself together, yell in your own head “I’M THE MAN!”  You get to your room, you look at your twin sized bed with the NHL Logos all over your comforter.  Paradise awaits, immortality awaits, you want to rip clothes off but hold on partner.  You don’t want to make this a bull ride you want to make it a ride on magic mountain.  Lay her down, clothes still on and make out.  You’ve don’t it hundreds of times together but now it won’t leave you with an angry boner.  Go at it for 6-8 minutes taking clothes off all in different moments, let nature slowly strip away your shackles of virginity.  Everything is off except for her underwear, now this is very important, you need to do this correctly.  Pull her bottoms off, go down on her.  I KNOW! You’re young you don’t know what to do and we don’t have time to give you a crash course on the intricacies of oral sex.  You know wind shield wipers on a car? Do that.  Do that for another 6-7 minutes, this is going to be hard for you to accept but I have to tell you.  You’re going to finish in under 2 minutes, she is not.  You need to keep this going and make it last so in her head it was a long fun experience.  She has nothing to compare it too.  Your seven minutes are up the time has come, literally.

You make eye contact you keep that contact and don’t break it, you are entering man hood and your soon to be first ever ex girlfriend.  Remember, it’s going to be over as quick as it started but it’s going to feel so good and you’ll be chasing that high for the rest of your life, and you’ll never find it.  Congrats son, you have now lost your virginity.  You’re a man and nobody can take that away from you.  Call your friends, call your dad, he will be proud, tell them the news.  Enjoy this you’ve earned it.  You have conquered life. Just remember, it’ll never, EVER be that good again.  That is our curse for giving woman no pleasure our first time.

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Nick Ru View All

Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.

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