Disclaimer: I wrote this a while ago and have since closed the GoFundMe because obviously I wasn’t expecting to accept money for this, but here we go…
Alright, so here’s the deal: for those who know me, the purpose of this campaign should already be pretty clear; for those who don’t, my name is Joey Boats and I could’ve been the greatest quarterback of all time…
I presume I could spend some time on this page clarifying my situation, but it’s not something I enjoy doing. Ordinarily, I avoid addressing my tempestuous athletic background (unless I’m with people or broadcasting it on social media, obviously) but some things are too conspicuous to dismiss entirely, which is why I recently penned a blog about it.
If you haven’t read it, you can view the blog here.
Now that you’re brought up to to speed, let me ask you a few questions: Do you believe in the resiliency of the human spirit? Do you lust for restitution? Are you tired of donating your hard-earned money to senseless shit like disaster relief funds or life-threatening disease foundations? Do you want to be a part of something larger than yourself?
If you answered “Yes,” “No,” or “Did I forget to grab paper towels?” to any of the above, you’ve landed on the right page. Everyone loves a good comeback story—Tiger Woods winning the 2018 Tour Championship, Steve Jobs’ revitalization of Apple, the Resurrection of Jesus, Mel Gibson’s return to filmmaking—and what I’m offering you is the opportunity to participate in one from the ground floor.
As I referenced in the previous blog, the Massachusetts Pirates are a professional arena football organization out of Worcester, MA. They finished last season with an 11-5 record but lost their semifinal matchup against the Columbus Lions. In other words, they’re one or two critical acquisitions away from a banner and conducting an open tryout on December 8th.
Long story short, I’ll be showcasing that 9-5, blue collar, middle America, boot straps, tooth and nail, steak and eggs, salt of the Earth mentality over the next month in an attempt to land a roster spot. Furthermore, I’ll be filming all of it with the intent of publishing a mini documentary following judgment day. As you can see, the team is already rolling out the red carpet…
Absolutely love it, we see the grit and the ambition. We got a t-shirt, 2 pins, and a number waiting for you on the 8th of December. If you bring this kind of energy to the tryout anything’s possible. Keep rocking Joey we will see you on the 8th.
— Massachusetts Pirates (@mass_pirates) November 1, 2018
That said, times are tough and [insert cognizant commentary on the current socioeconomic climate] so subsidizing destiny is difficult to do, which is where you come in…
By donating to this cause, you’re not only funding my $100 tryout registration fee, as well as a celebratory bottle of Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Champagne for when I inevitably make the team; you’re metaphorically bankrolling vindication, hope, and the reclamation of the American dream.
As with any philanthropic solicitation, all contributions are tremendously appreciated; however, incentives exist for those willing to go the extra mile.
For anyone who donates over $20, I will personal email a limited edition, autographed portrait of me during my days as the third-string quarterback for Hanover’s 8th grade pop warner football team—a picture taken 2-3 months before the infamous ankle sprain that ultimately disintegrated all aspirations I had of playing in the NFL.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Joe, what’s the catch? Why would anyone ever extend such a selfless offer like this?”
Well, with all things considered, this campaign isn’t about me at all. On the contrary, this campaign is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I’d never amount to nothing, as well as all the people that lived above the buildings I was hustling in front of who called the police on me when I was just trying to make some money to feed my daughter. And most importantly, all the [insert derogatory appellation]s in the struggle. You know what I’m saying? It’s all good, baby babyyy