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Power Rankings: Turkey Day Dishes

We all have favorite dishes when it comes to Thanksgiving Dinner. But who has the right to say one is better than the other? I do so fuck your opinions and see where your dish ranks this holiday season.

17. Cauliflower – Belongs in wrestlers and boxers ears and not as a food. Absolutely gross. Tell me it tastes like steak again you dumb ass vegetarians. It’s not. Whomever eats this crap I gotta ask, are you just a miserable prick?

16. Brussel Sprouts – What can I say other than these things are disgusting. They’re the Bif Loman of Turkey Day foods, but not as disgusting as cauliflower.

15. Asparagus – This is the Matt Stairs of the Turkey Day dishes. You either hit these things out of the park or strike out in embarrassing fashion.

14. Green Beans/Casserole – No one in my family has ever hit on this dish and I’m going into my 32nd Thanksgiving. Until it becomes a big hitter, it’s gonna continue to rank low.

13. Corn – I’ll admit, we’ve really failed the first thanksgiving tradition of having corn at the table. At least in my household. Never once have I had a corn on the cob with my thanksgiving dinner. Either canned corn or canned creamed corn and that’s unacceptable. Should this be higher? Oh hell yes, will I do better by my family’s thanksgiving feast? Prolly not. Pretty lazy.

12. Mac and Cheese – I was introduced to Mac and Cheese as a Thanksgiving platter two years ago and I haven’t looked back. It needs to be there. Warm, Cheesy and always better with the bread crumbs on top. As Patrick Mahomies would say “Not bad with ketchup either.”

11. The Rolls/Croissants – Shamefully low on this list is the rolls. There’s just so much good so even a quintessential piece of the meal drops in these rankings. These warm flakey pieces of bread soaked in butter and gravy clean up your thanksgiving plate. If you’re not scraping your plate clean with a roll at the end of dinner, I question how American you really are?

10. Spinach – I’m going to share with you an embarrassing nightmare: One year my parents bought Boston Market for Thanksgiving. It was awful. I cried myself to sleep that night. Only reason it wasn’t the largest failure mankind has ever seen on Thanksgiving Day is because we thankfully had some great Boston Market Spinach. Ever since, spinach has creeped up my power rankings.

9. Cranberry Sauce – Did anyone ever touch this stuff as a kid? I thought it was gross but shit man do I love it as an adult. Hell wawa turned me on to it as a turkey sandwich topper with that damn gobbler of theirs. Hot Take Alert: Canned is just as good or better. Yeah I said it.

8. Sweet Potatoes/Candied Yams – I’ve seen these things executed in many ways over the years. I wont call a victor to this game but they provide the sweet taste to the thanksgiving meal. Cook em and mash em with Marshmellows FUCKING YUM. Cook em with Butter in tin foil and serve them whole, delish. Slice em up and cook them with Brown Sugar, Cinnamon and everything else GET IN MY MOTHER FUCKING BELLY.

7. Escarole Soup – If you’re Italian you know. If you’re not, You may be familiar with Italian Wedding Soup. This is a staple of a good Italian mother’s Thanksgiving Dinner. This is the starter in these homes and it sets up the whole meal. Forget the soup and forget the meal.

6. Pies – When it comes down to dessert I better not have limited options. There best be at least 3-5 different flavored pies and they all better be yummy. Don’t give me this “Every Pie should have its own category” bullshit either. Postmeal game is all the pies. End of story. If you’re that stuck that you need me to name the best one: Dutch Apple end of story.

5. Potatoes – I’m pretty sure this wasn’t at the original meal but 25% of my ancestors brought this over from the Emerald Isle and nothing goes better paired with the gravy. Preferably these potatoes are mashed and chunky. Every Irish kid knows a good chunky mashed potato can be an entire stand alone meal, why do you think that famine hurt so much? Hell I’ll eat mashed and baked potatoes and throw in some Potatoes Au Gratin while you’re at it. 🥔

4. Gravy – Someone asked me last night if I truly thought Gravy was important enough to stand on its own as a Thanksgiving Dish. You’re god damn right it is. It single handedly can save a poor turkey cookers meal and lift up and save the other highly ranked dishes if their execution is poor. Slather gravy on all to fix the mistakes. Pretty sure I saw my uncle Phil drinking it a Thanksgiving or two ago.

3. Stuffing – The Maker Or Breaker of the Thanksgiving meal. You best be making it inside that damn bird. If you mess up the stuffing, I’m never trusting you to make my Turkey Day dinner again. Absolutely the one part of the meal I really don’t have the rest of the year. Stuffing offers no nutritional value and is there just to pack on the lbs before I hibernate the rest of winter.

2. Alcohol – Eat, DRINK and Be Merry. As our times have become more political so have family dinners. It’s best to have good wine and hard liquor at all these occasions. Can’t wait for the screaming match between Trump thumping Uncle Billy Bob and Pussy Hat wearing Aunt Marcia. With the help of liquor it’ll make it either enjoyable or an even bigger shit show.

1. Turkey – I saw some other assholes power rankings yesterday and laughed my ass off. Dude had Turkey at like Ninth. The only item that is truly a must on a Thanksgiving table. Gluten free, ok maybe stuffing ain’t for you? You can’t even claim vegan or vegetarian and be exempt from Noming on some turkey. It’s UnAmerican otherwise. You can make anything else interchangeable but the Turkey makes the day. For fucks sake it’s called Turkey day by 3/4 of Americans and 9/10 of Obese Americans. There’s three ways to cook this bird(Only two, microwave joke) and if you’re the slightest bit off the mark it will taste like rubber, Nail it and you have Tryptophan perfection. One of the original dishes at the first Thanksgiving, it’ll take a turkey famine to knock this bird from the top spot.

Anyway you like your dinner, have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving dinner and thanks for reading.

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