A COMPANY is advertising a job for a new sex doll tester – and the successful candidate will earn £35k a year for romping with robots. Adult toy firm Silicone Sex World says it’s looking for someone who’s willing to try out its latest products and join the team at their base in Hatton Garden, London. The newly formed role offers flexible working hours, as well as 22 days holiday per year plus bank holidays, a free gym membership and company mobile phone. Perks also include family and friends discount for the wide range of male sex doll products on offer by the firm, which claims to be the UK’s number one trusted supplier. Responsibilities include personally testing new ranges and providing detailed feedback to manufacturers. The new tester will also be expected to attend industry events around the world to keep ahead of competition and be on top of quality control with products leaving and arriving at the warehouse. –The Sun
Well look what we have here. Imagine having this job for a second. I know what you’re thinking, why would I do this? I don’t want to have sex with plastic sex dolls for a living even if the benefits are great. I don’t want to tell my family and friends this is the career I chose. It’s embarrassing even with the free gym membership. I understand all of that, I really do. Take a step back for a second though and think, let me set the stage for you fellas.
It’s been a long day at work, you want to get home and put on the game, maybe just sleep. Relax and enjoy your time. Your lady is the kitchen cooking the same god damn chicken cutlets for the god damn 100th time. You eat it begrudgingly. She yells at you about taking out the trash, cleaning dishes, laundry and you can’t take it anymore you snap. She feels bad and starts to give you a hand job to apologize, how nice. Next thing you know she’s riding you like a cowboy on a bull and you’re having the time of your life. You start to give her some oral and are unsure of the reason it taste like pennies but you continue. You fill her like Jesus intended and 9 months later you have a kid. Now you come home, she yells at you for all the same things but this time with a kid crying. On top of that? There is no “I’m sorry handjob” no cowboy bull riding and you become a sad depressed man who forgets to shave his man area. Your shaft is looking like a dead tree in fall with all the leaves around it in dirt. Life never get’s better and you die.
Now that is not a life anyone should ever ask for. Wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. There is hope, let me set the stage for you, if you worked in the sex doll factory.
It’s been a long day of work. You’ve been fucking at a record pace today. You’ve tested 8 dolls and you’re feeling a little woozy. You take doll #9 home because you’re a ‘hard’ worker. You get to a red light and look over at her, she looks at you mouth open eyes wide. She looks sweet, gentle and perfect lips. You smile at her as to say, hey. You get home and bring her upstairs and realize there’s nothing to eat, if you had a wife sure she’d have cooked something but now you can order pizza. Get yourself a large with a medium diet coke, ah fuck it! Work pays for the gym get a regular coke in a large.
Your pizza arrives and you eat it with #9 laying on the couch naked like a whore. You laugh to yourself as she is just eager to treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve. You finish a 4th slice and down your coke and get ready for bed. Brush your teeth shower and shave your man area. You get out of the shower and #9 is in bed looking at your gut and you think to yourself, “#9 isn’t your name, I’ll call you Jenny.. NO! Jennifer, Jennifer Aniston.”
You climb into bed with Jen and kiss her, she looks up at you with those warm plastic eyes and you feel it down your plums. She makes you feel special, she almost appears to look down so you give her oral, she’s had a long day too. Mmmmm no penny taste you think to yourself as you continue to ravage her plastic privates. You come up from her plastic fur and kiss her. You enter her and you guys spend the next 6-8 minutes in pure bliss. You finish inside of her, you give her a perfect rating but this doll will not go back to work, she is yours. You love her and she never leaves the bedroom. She doesn’t judge your fat gut or balding head. She just loves you for who you are. She doesn’t become pregnant and make your life more depressing, she lifts it up and gives you hope. That is your lover Jennifer Aniston.
That’s what it would be like, pure love and acceptance with your job at the plastic sex doll factory.
Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.