Nope, not a blog about dicks.
My favorite national holiday is finally here. It is National Pickle Day. My personal tagline has always been “I’ve never met a pickle I didn’t like” and it’s never more true than today. There are people on this planet that try to tear down pickles and call them disgusting. To the few of you that think that, I say, YOU are disgusting.
Like I said, there is not any one type of pickle that I dislike. But there is certainly a top 5. This is a definitive list and no changes can be made.
Cornichons are for when you’re feeling fancy as fuck. They belong on every cheese board. Pretty much bite size and I could probably eat an entire jar if you put it in front of me. Hipsters try to claim cornichons but they are a pickle for the people. The fancy people.
Relish is a necessary condiment for any BBQ. It’s for when you want that pickle flavor but the shape and size of a normal pickle just won’t cut it. No hamburger or Fenway Frank is really complete without relish. Heinz is always preferred but store brand relish is better than no relish. Basically just chopped up pickles, but thank you to whoever invented relish.
3. Fried pickles
Fried pickles are the “popular pickle choice”. For newbies to the pickle game, fried pickles will ease you into it. It’s very important that the fried pickles be cut into slices vs. spears and are served with some sort of dipping sauce, preferably ranch. Everyone knows it’s hard to deep fry a spear because the breading just comes off in one piece. Still delicious, but not functional.
2. Classic Dill Spears
The most classic of the pickle family. If I’m ever having a bad day or need a pick me up, a jar of dill spears will do the trick. If we’re being bougie, Claussen is the gold standard. Vlasic is for basics. One time I drunk ate an entire jar of Claussen’s after a sorority formal and that’s when I found out pickles have 0 calories. Skinny hack.
- Crinkle Cut Pickle Slices
I’ll be honest–this stack of crinkle cut pickles turned me on a little. If I see my plate of food coming to the table with a stack of these pickles, I am immediately giving a 20% tip. These puppies are dangerous. If you’ve ever been on a cruise or to an all-inclusive resort, a bucket of these pickles at a buffet is the best part. I typically go for a mound of skinny french fries and a half a plate of crinkle cut pickles. Attracts all the hot locals.
Since pickles have rose to popularity, which coincidentally matches up with me getting older, there have been so many interesting new pickle products popping up.
We have pickle cotton candy:
Of course, pickle chips
For the holiday season, pickle candy canes!
And the only one I’m skeptical about: pickle marshmallows.
And if you are looking for any Chrismukkah gifts for me this year, you’re in luck.