Dear Manny Machado,
Just like I wrote to Bryce Harper a couple of days ago, I am writing this to tell you to join the White Sox.
As I told Bryce, the White Sox need you and want you. I don’t give a flying fuck about your World Series antics – you’re too goddamn talented for us to pass up.
All the reasons I told Bryce also work for you. So, let me just give you a quick list:
- You won’t have “WIN NOW” pressure and will be part of a team that preaches patience
- You WON’T be the face of the Cubs – that position comes with too much bullshit
- The White Sox can pay you Scrooge McDuck money
- You’ll get to lead a team of baseball killers – Eloy & Luis & Yoan & Jose
- You get to build the next great Chicago sports dynasty
Pretty fucking enticing, right? The South Side has YOU written all over it.
Getting back to how you were in the World Series – I must admit, we’re gonna need you to hustle a taddd bit more around these parts. No matter how much money you get, Rick Renteria isn’t going to take any shit. However, I think we’ll cut you some slack since you’re so damn good.
Also, don’t be afraid to play a little dirty. I didn’t give a shit when you hit Jesus Aguilar’s leg. If anything, keep that up when you come here. Being the city’s second team, we need don’t mind being the bad guys. One of Sox fans favorite players of all time? AJ Pierzynski – a guy who didn’t give a fuck and did all it took to win. Sox fans loved him and they’ll love you too.
For the love of baseball, please tell Bryce to not go to Philly and invite him to build a legacy with you here in Chicago. It’d be one helluva party and if you two obliterated the Cubs in a Crosstown World Series…you’d be Gods walking amongst mere mortals.
You also fit perfectly on this team. You’d have to stay at 3rd base (which, let’s be real, is your better position) and you could easily transition over to 1st base once in awhile or take the night off from the field to DH. Sure, you could do all of this with another AL team, but none of them are going to deliver you multiple championships like the White Sox will.
So, I call out to you, Mr. Machado. Come to Chicago, join the White Sox and become a Chicago Baseball King.
“Manny! Manny! Manny!”
Hear that? That’s White Sox fans chanting your name after a walkoff home run at the G-Spot (Guaranteed Rate Field). Chicago is calling, Manny.
Let’s. Fucking. Go.