Dear Bryce, Come to the White Sox

Dear Bryce Harper,

I am writing this to tell you to sign with the White Sox, plain and simple.

The team wants you, the fans want you and Chicago wants you.

Scratch that. We don’t want you. We NEED you.

Everyone is going to tell you to go the obvious places: Philadelphia, the Yankees, LA, San Francisco, stay in Washington, blah, blah, blah. You shouldn’t go to any of those places. With those places comes bullshit pressure from the media and a “WIN NOW!” expectation from fans. Remember how that went for LeBron when he left the Cavs for Miami? Yeah, you don’t need that dumpster fire in your life.

And I know you yourself want to win now and that’s understandable after the disappointing seasons you’ve had with the Nats. But hear me out…the South Side of Chicago is the place you need to be.

If you join the White Sox, you will automatically become the face of the franchise, even if you are miraculously joined by Manny Machado. Sounds like a metric fuck ton of pressure, but it really isn’t. Why, you ask?

Because you’d be joining an organization that has prided itself on patience the past 2+ years. Our fans have bought into the rebuild Rick Hahn has orchestrated and we will buy into you being our captain of the ship. You’re only 25, so you’re not in this twilight of your career where you need a win before you retire. You easily have 15 seasons left – that’s the beauty of baseball.

Rick Hahn
Image: Barstool Sports

You’ll also WON’T be the face of the Cubs. I know it’s tempting to go there with your best buddy Kris Bryant* being there and your dog being named Wrigley, but just ask him…he knows the bullshit pressure Cubs players have to deal with from the media and their fans. Reminder, this is the same media and fanbase that STILL criticized Joe Maddon even AFTER THEY WON THE WORLD FUCKING SERIES. What do you think they’ll do to you? They may like you at first. But if you don’t deliver in your first year, they’ll turn on you, fast.

*Side note: You know how much fun it would be to give Kris shit about winning all the time with the White Sox and rubbing it in his face when you grab beers during the offseason? That’s way more fun than this bullshit idea of “winning with your best friend.” That storyline is boring as hell. Get that mushy shit outta here.

I can’t forget this – you will get P…P…P…PAIDDDDDDDD. The White Sox have Scrooge McDuck money to spend in free agency this year and could give you a blank check if they wanted to – which explains why they want you AND Machado here. Buy yourself a nice condo along Lakeshore Drive or a mansion in Bridgeport to rule over the city as its Baseball King.

The best part though? You’d get to lead a roster full of baseball killers. Eloy Jimenez will hit bombs right next to you in the batting order. Luis Robert will get on base whenever you need him to. You can guide Yoan Moncada into stardom. I trust Rick Hahn will give you a pitching staff that will keep your team in games. Let’s say Manny also sees the light – imagine a lineup with Machado, Jose Abreu, YOU and Eloy destroying the league…it’d be unfair.


You’d get to do this, all while doing so in a culture of growth and patience…it’s almost as if this rebuild was done for you.

The White Sox are ready to welcome you to Chicago, Bryce. Tell your agent Scott to cancel all meetings with other teams and let him know you’re gonna suit up in black and white next season.

Sign what Rick Hahn gives you and get ready to build the next great Chicago sports dynasty…

Just think…it’d be the 90s Bulls, the 2010s Blackhawks and your White Sox. I feel it. You feel it. Let’s make it happen.


Follow us on Twitter @branded_sports and find what my freakouts about the MLB Hot Stove @ekurbyun

Featured Image: Edited Image from Business Insider 


0 0 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
November 7, 2018 7:30 pm

You miss 100% of the shots you dont take
– Wayne Gretzsky
– Michael Scott


[…] Just like I wrote to Bryce Harper a couple of days ago, I am writing this to tell you to join the White Sox. […]