The curse of the porn star continues for Jimmy Garoppolo. As he sits on his couch with whichever porn star he wants (is there a porn offseason?), Jimmy G is no longer the hottest QB in San Francisco.
With backup QB CJ Beathard sidelined with a wrist injury (non porn star related either), the 49ers unveiled the latest QB sensation last week on Thursday Night Football.
Nick Mullens may have the most NBA name of all time, but if you know anything about him, he was born to play football.
From the state of Alabama, Nick went to college at Southern Miss, where he destroyed pretty much every record set by Brett Favre in 4 years as a starting QB. Mullens finished as the career passing leader in every statistical category with 11,994 yards passing and 87 touchdown passes. That means he had 4,299 more yards and 35 more TD’s than Brett Favre.
Nick Mullens’ first NFL start reminded us of a fellow Southern Miss alum … 👀 pic.twitter.com/A3Lg3QXMrI
— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) November 2, 2018
With a resume like that you might think one of the 28 NFL teams in desperate need of a QB might have taken a chance on Nick in the 2017 draft, but none did. Something about an undrafted free agent signing success story that gets me all hot and bothered.
Some sports stories just seem meant to be. At the start of the NFL season, Nick Mullens was cut by the 49ers and subsequently signed to their practice squad. Niners fans were celebrating the second coming of their true savior Jimmy Garoppolo. The ladies of San Francisco were ordering their Jimmy G jerseys and getting ready to thot it up for their chance at the most physically attractive, single QB in the game. Nothing was more indicative than the NFL scheduling the 49ers, a 6-10 team last year, to 5 primetime games on the 2018 schedule.
So when Jimmy G tore his ACL going out of bounds in the 3rd game of the season, another Tom Brady story was woven into Jimmy G’s storyline. Nick Mullens was signed to the active roster immediately after and waiting in the wings for a C.J Beathard injury, finally got his first start against the Raiders.
Mullens went 16 of 22 for 262 yards with three touchdowns and no interceptions with a passer rating of 151.9. Somewhere far across the country in a Buffalo suburb, Nathan Peterman watched in awe of the greatness.
With two by Peterman today, the Bills now have thrown as many Pick 6s on the season as @NickMullens has TD passes. That’s 3.
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) November 4, 2018
Not trying to be cruel, but…
TD Passes this Season:
Nick Mullens = 3
Bills QB’s = 3— Scott Hanson (@ScottHanson) November 2, 2018
What he does have in common with Nathan Peterman though is a blue check mark. During his epic NFL debut, Twitter finally gave Nick Mullens the respect he deserves.
OUR #GETNICKMULLENSVERIFIED SCREENSHOTS MADE IT TO THE BIG SCREEN BABY 🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/mJXAfbXGTH
— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) November 2, 2018
“Everything I’ve dreamed of”
An emotional NickMullens described the experience of his first NFL start and first career win.
🎥: NFLonFOX | ErinAndrews pic.twitter.com/WTvbKtwGQu
— Top Tech Hits (@toptechin2017) November 3, 2018
The two under 24 year olds also make sure that the thirst hoes know they are both HUSBANDS, so all that pussy Nick Mullens would have gotten after this game will finally trickle down to Jimmy Garoppolo. Nick seems pretty hyped to be a 23 year old husband but then again so was Russell Wilson until Ciara started checking for him.
But the real start that has been brought to internet fame this week is Nick’s dog Scout. What do we have to do to get Scout verified?