The Pussification Of America Continues: Baseball Players Are Wasting Way Too Much Champagne

There is nothing more painful than watching any alcohol, let alone the champagne of alcohols, champagne, go to waste.

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Image: @Rockies Twitter

Every year during the baseball postseason I can’t help but wonder, why the fuck do baseball teams celebrate meaningless wins so much?

Image: HBO

I know baseball is a sport steeped in tradition and this champagne shower shit dates back to the 50’s and 60’s blah blah blah but watching players spray fancy champagne like my sorority sisters did at initiation with $5 Andre bottles after a win-in Wild Card game is personally offensive.

Not only are they wasting the champagne but what about the useless ski goggles every player is wearing? Are baseball players the biggest group of pussies in professional sports? I mean come on, there is little to no extreme athletic ability required AND these guys can’t even get a little champagne in their eyes?

Imagine if the Texans celebrated their annual wild card game against the Bengals with J.J. Watt spraying O’Doul’s all over the place? Can we FATHOM Kawhi having so much of his patented fun celebrating the Raptors win a playoff series so they can go on to get swept by the Celtics? Don’t even get me started on hockey players…

We kill the Colts for hanging banners for beating the Patriots in week 6 of an NFL season but the Braves Twitter page is still celebrating a NL East title from their couch.

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Image: @Braves Twitter

I know it’s a long season but it’s time to stop giving champagne trophies out to everyone that clinches a division or makes it to the MLB playoffs. Remember when a rosé drought threatened our 2018 summer? We can’t risk a champagne drought just so some 22 year olds can celebrate a postseason appearance. Do better, baseball.

With how reckless rappers and reality stars doing club appearances are with champagne, we really have to be careful.

As the Red Sox and Dodgers prepare to face off tonight for the World Series title, I want to give them permission to celebrate a win with as much champagne as their little hearts desire, but I need to check the national supply levels first.


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