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Episode 2: USSR You Afraid Of The Dark?

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If there is ever a searing indictment on the dangers of hiking, Dyatlov Pass is it. One guy fucking quit before it even started. The whole ordeal starts when 9 people enter the woods and it ends when no one survives. I don’t want to spoil the episode but that is a fucking understatement, you guys. In all seriousness, these poor victims succumbed to a horrible death and there is nothing funny about that. Believe me, we really tried to find some humor but I mean, this is just what happened to their fucking tent:

CGS Pod.pngImage via Spike-Online

Looks guys, as your friendly neighborhood War Vet, I feel compelled to impart some knowledge gleaned from my own personal experience because I’ve seen some pretty hairy situations. The first lesson you learn in those situations is to avoid things that are obviously trying to kill you, whenever possible. You don’t have to be a soldier to know that few things want you dead more than a Russian mountain in January. Along the way, multiple people told the leader of this group, Igor Dyatlov, “don’t go up that fucking mountain, dude” (not a literal translation). In spite of these dire warnings, Igor chose to lead his team to their untimely deaths. You’ll find that while we know how this group died, we will never know what killed them and that is why, nearly 60 years later, this story is so compelling. Add to it, some good old fashion USSR Iron Curtain cover-ups and hot damn, our imaginations running wild. In Episode 3, we’ll explore some reasonable theories and naturally, Maynerd will go off the rails. Hopefully, this time, it’s not Nazis.

As a final note, in researching this story, I was reminded of all those who chose to do things that are dangerous for no better reason than, to quote Sir Edmund Hillary (first white guy to Climb Everest), “Because it’s there”. We often romanticize those willing to risk life and limb when they survive. Just as frequently, we speak of the dead in hushed tones. We revere them as heroes struck down in their prime. Seldom do we ask ourselves, “was it really necessary?” While Magellan was beheaded, because of him, someone still circumnavigated the globe (or flat disk, depending on whether you’re a moron or not). In this story, however, no major scientific breakthroughs would have been made. No rare species of animal were likely to be discovered. In all likelihood, nothing of consequence would have come from the completion of this bullshit vanity project, other than everyone at the Soviet Era mining factory rolling their eyes as Igor regaled them with stories about the time he wrote “War and Peace”, in the snow, with his rapidly freezing urine.

So the next time, a guy like Felix Baumgartner does his level best to avoid turning into the world’s fastest, people-shaped crater or some dipshit tries to prove the earth is flat with a steam-powered-moron-missile, ask yourself, “was it really necessary”. Enjoy the show.

Respectfully,

Sarge

P.S. Special thanks to the tireless research from James @freetheproles.

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