*Editors Note: Ru is having a baby and won’t be around this week, it’ll be a tough blow to not have him around for a week or so but we will be more than ok. He decided he wanted to bring you some of his best blogs that you may have missed when we first launched. Today he brings you an original Ru How To about getting laid originally published on July 27th*
Welcome to another addition of a Ru how too. In our latest edition I told you how to grab MILFs and all sorts of older women. This time I’m going to be guiding you through first dates and getting yourself laid. Sit back and relax gents, put on some nice music and let’s get this party started.
It’s a Saturday morning the morning of your big first date. College gameday is on it’s a crisp fall day and you’re thinking about what you’re going to say, what you’re gonna do. Your heart starts to beat so fast you decide it’s a good idea to rub a quick one out to calm you down as Lee Corso tells you that Chip Kelly and UCLA are going to take over college football this year. You know he’s wrong but Lee is so darn cute you listen. You wipe your gross goo off of your flabby stomach and get up. Need something to do to take your mind off things so you go to the gym. You’ve been paying $20 a month to workout for years and go once a month. But today is special, bang out a few curls bang out a few squats and you’re ready to go. Body looking totally different for your date tonight. You know she will get wet the moment you pull up in your 2015 Honda Accord and that US Polo shirt.
You’re getting ready its 6:00PM you jump out of the shower just in time to see Tennessee lose to an unranked Buffalo. Miami vs FSU is getting ready to start but you don’t have time. Its date night. You chuckle a little bit thinking of The Office, “I’m Date Mike, nice to meet me ;)”
You hope it doesn’t go that way. You wont make that mistake, maybe she’s an office fan? Maybe you should drop that line? What if she doesn’t get it? You start breathing heavy again lay on the bed and rub one out to calm down, now you’re sweaty, you shower again. You’re ready to go. You get dressed, nice pair of white sperrys and your finest blue jeans with that smooth crisp US Polo shirt. You look at your cologne selection. Jean Paul? Ralph Lauren? Invictus? Ahhh the $5 Adidas Dynamic Pulse your mom got you for Christmas when you were 15, perfect. You put on your $20 Target watch grab your keys to head out and pick her up.
You arrive to her place she comes outside to meet you. She gets in and you awkwardly try to give her a hug while you are both sitting in the car, your arm gets caught on the car seat and flings forward to hit her head, she laughs sort of. You start driving to head to Cheesecake Factory. You try to make conversation with her its tough at first but don’t talk about yourself, ask about her. Ask about her job her relationship with her parents, how many guys shes slept with all of these things make for great conversation. You arrive to dinner and finally sit down.
You’re at dinner you both discuss the menu, you try to make her laugh, she does even though it wasnt funny. This is a good sign. You order light, enough to fill you but not enough to make you gassy. She orders light too. Perfect! She wants you to eat ass without saying it. You get through dinner talking about her life, she learns nothing about you, keep it that way, mysterious. You pay and leave an extra-large tip to impress her, 22%, not many people do that. You guys get back into the car and head to her house
You pull up to her house this is the big moment, have to make a move, Kiss her? No not in the car. Hug her? No that didn’t go well before. You brush her hair out of her eyes and wink and asks to come in, she swoons over this move and gets wetter than a Navy Seal at war. You walk in, you lightly bump her a bit and grab her hand with your pinky. She looks up at you and smiles. You walk into her house she gives you a tour.
You arrive to her bedroom and you look at her and say. “Can I feel your thread count girl” Her knees tremble a bit at the thought. You both get into bed and she looks into your eyes. You go in for the kiss and now you’re both making out, clothes start flying off but leave your socks on, girls love that. She asks if you have a condom, you tell her “Lady where we’re going we dont need no condoms” Now you’re banging and making love but be very aggressive and selfish, don’t worry about her feelings it will make her want you more. Finish all over her back and roll over and fall right asleep this will drive her wild. Wake up at 6am and give her a kiss on the head and leave. She will thank you later.
Next thing you know gents you’ll be the talk of all of her group chats. Talking about what a man you are what a great guy you are and how much of a lover you are. She will never forget that night with you, and talk about it forever. Congrats you had a successful first date.
Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.