For those who don’t know me, I was born into the great Delco City State, Marple Newtown. I played Football, Baseball and I wrestled for all the local teams. In Delco that means you’re playing for your town’s pride and you get tons of douchebag dad’s living vicariously through their children and the teams. “Win it for me” is a regular phrase heard in gyms and on fields. Due to this jackassery I’m blessed with tons of stories these whackjobs played out in front of me. Here’s one of hundreds:
How the old Delco football league would work is there was 4 age groups seniors(14-13yo) who played under the lights Friday, Junior(11-12yo) Varsity who’d play on either home or away with Junior JV playing the opposite field before the Seniors on Friday nights. Saturday morning was for the Midget(9-10yo) varsity and JV played first thing Saturday morning and the Peewees(5-8) Varsity and JV right after. THEN Peewee C teams would play. My dad coached my brother’s c team made up of 35-45lb 5 year olds. Around this time I played for the midget Varsity and played guard and d end. My buddy was our outside linebacker. My dad’s team lined up to kickoff and they clearly had the 9-10 year old that played head up on me all game earlier back to receive the kick. Kid outweighed everyone by 40-50lbs and clearly shouldn’t be out there. These Aston dudes were so pissed every Marple Newtown varsity and jv team won that they decided to cheat with the 3rd team peewee squad. My dad threw his keys at me and screamed “You two get your asses suited up and get back here.” My dad called a time out to talk to their coach and the ref and explained he could clearly see by the mud all over the kid he played this morning and that if they wanted to play like that he could too. They both called my dads bluff. My dad let the first quarter go by and they were down 3 touchdowns with this kid just mauling our 5 year olds. I remember him yanking our face masks together and getting his face close screaming “don’t either of you hit a five year old but fuck that kid up.” First play on offense me at fullback him at running back we ran right up the middle. Kid came to hit me and I laid him out and my buddy ran for a touchdown.
We kick off. Kid grabs it. I hit him so hard he fumbles and one of our five year olds runs for a touchdown. It only got worse for Aston. Halftime comes, I’m having the game of my life against five year olds and instead of being down by 3 touchdowns were up by 3 or 4. My dad, The ref, their coach and their organizations president all meet at the 50. My dad has the biggest shit eating grin on his face. They beg him to take us out. He does them one better: Offers if they take him out, he’ll take us out AND start the score at halftime 0-0. They shake on it and my dad with only his five year olds, ends up happily paying the $50 fine for running the score up 49-0 as a fuck you to those douchebags.
Kid from outside Philly wearing 92, who you think I wanted to be?