Uncategorized
by BadGalAli

All The Patriots Porn You Could Want and Need

The Colts were exactly what the Patriots needed on a quick turnaround Thursday night game. At around 6pm on Sunday, everyone collectively knew how this was going to play out. The Patriots broadcast was turned off somewhere in the 4th quarter because what they were doing to the Dolphins was just unwatchable. The Colts, however, went to OT with Andrew Luck and his gimp shoulder throwing 100 passes in a loss.

The entire broadcast was just Troy Aikman and Joe Buck giving the Colts a free pass for losing a game that hadn’t even started yet because the Colts are injured. How quickly people forget they buried the Patriots dynasty just 2 weeks ago. At one point Troy Aikman pretty much tells the national audience that the Colts themselves admitted they had no shot in this game so we should be impressed they showed up to the stadium?

Every sideline report was to discuss how many injuries the Colts had. Gronk hasn’t been healthy since 2003, Edelman was playing his first game in almost 2 years and they only dressed 2 running backs because the others are already on IR. The motto is next man up. If only the Colts had a coach like Josh McDaniels, they might try it.

Back to the Patriots porn. I hate Thursday night games. The absolutely stunning color rush jersey certainly helped but by Thursday night I have little to no energy to get stressed watching the McCourty twins give up a 3rd and 6 to bring the game within 7. Thursday nights need to be blowouts for my own sanity. And it certainly looked like last night was going to be one. After the first quarter many New Englanders started putting their kids to bed, especially after Joe Buck made the announcement we have all been waiting to hear.

Seriously, this is going on a t-shirt and also on my gravestone.

It’s no secret I got chills watching Edelman come out of the tunnel. There has just been a hole in my heart without him and the first play of the game I swear I almost cried. A little anti-climactic after watching grown men try to untangle a chain for 10 minutes. Women everywhere were cringing like I haven’t had to untangle a necklace a week for the past 20 years. Learn to be useful for once, guys. Anyways, actual tears were welling up in my eye sockets, the main problem of being a girl who likes sports. This catch immediately made all 31 other teams take a giant shit in their pants (sorry for the visual of Andy Reid here). With Edelman as the gear that keeps the offense running, the Patriots are pretty unstoppable.

That being said I promised a meltdown if Edelman returned one single punt, and he returned absolutely all of them. I can’t say I didn’t miss seeing Cyrus Jones back there, but knowing Edelman has no brakes and there is almost always an illegal block in the back flag, I was definitely not into that. Something tells me Edelman demanded this but someone should have said no.

The past few weeks I honestly have been questioning Tom Brady a little bit. Harsh yes, I know but he has not looked great. Last night put that to rest. That first drive was, as every single analyst likes to say but especially Trent Dilfer, SURGICAL. He went 9-for-9 for 78 yards and a touchdown.

Tom Brady wasn’t lying when he said James White needs to be more involved. There have been a lot of James White’s over the years, but he did not give himself the nickname Sweet Feet White for no reason. The minute he caught this in the backfield and had one defender in front of him, there was no doubt it was going for a first down.

Defensively the Patriots have me emotionally scarred. But this play made me start laughing out loud. Like my neighbors were probably concerned with the volume and tone of my evil laugh. Hard to imagine a world where this didn’t get flagged but I’m so glad I can rewatch this.

I think it’s fairly obvious that Patrick Chung is the most important defender on this team. It’s crazy that just a few years ago we celebrated his departure to Philly and now the entire season rests on him not getting any more brain injuries. I’ve never seen Twitter universally be so on board with an organized celebration than this one.

I would be remiss not to mention the Devin McCourty turnover but because it came sandwiched between 2 non Brady interceptions it gets pushed to the bottom of the list. I hate that these count against his stat line, but Chris Hogan and Gronk deserve the negative fantasy points for that, not Tom. That being said I was facing Brady in fantasy this week so I’ll accept it.

Hands down, the most exciting moment of the night was Tom Brady’s 500th career touchdown pass. After standing in the pocket for what felt like 25 minutes, watching Tom Brady pull back to throw a bomb to the end zone was concerning. The Patriots had just got the ball back after 2 interceptions and the Colts pulled within 7. I was too nervous for 11pm on a Thursday night, and I woke up with the heartburn in the middle of the night to prove it. This one play had me off the couch, which says a lot. I heard bigger cheers for Josh Gordon at Gillette last night than I did for Edelman. No one wants Josh Gordon to succeed more than Tom Brady, and this Randy Moss-like catch helps built that mysterious Tom Brady trust that’s so important.

I tried to make a tweet comparing this catch to the one Randy Moss had against the Dolphins but didn’t have the technical prowess. Thank god for Twitter because I woke up this morning to this.

In the most surprising turn of events, it seems like Sony Michel is actually good. They took enjoying Dion Lewis jukes away from me, so I am appreciative of the emergence of Sony Michel. Everyone is talking about the steamroll of Geathers which took him right out of the game, or the stiff arm on his touchdown run to put a nice little bow on this game, but I’m trying to find footage of my favorite run of the night. Michel is patient, and not in a Lawrence Maroney way. In my favorite play, he takes the handoff and politely taps an offensive lineman as if to say excuse me sir can I just sneak by you real quick? If someone has the clip please send it to me so I can add it to Patriots porn cumpliation. It was so polite that Andrew Luck had to respect it.

 

Speaking of, put this in Patriots Playgirl magazine. We have a new Manning face. Can’t wait for the ‘Would Have Made For A Closer Game Against The Patriots If We Didn’t Have So Many Injuries, 2018″ banner to go up.

IMG_2075

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments