Crown Their Ass: Bears vs Cardinals Preview

Every time the Bears play the Arizona Cardinals, I think back to the glorious come-from-behind victory they had against them on October 16, 2006.

It was the most epic thing my 12 year-old-self had ever seen. The Bears came back from 20 points down in the third quarter on the back of a Mike Brown fumble recovery for a touchdown, a Peanut Tillman fumble recovery for a score and a Devin Hester punt return for 6 to give the Blue & Orange a 24-23 victory – even after 6 turnovers from Sexy Rexy, Rex Grossman.

The win also inspired the best press conference freakout of all time from then Cardinals head coach, Dennis Green (RIP, big man) . You remember…

“The Bears are who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But, they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!”

Green’s tirade serves as the theme for this week’s Week 3 preview between Chicago and Arizona. I think this game is going to be the Bears’ coming out party – it’s time for their ass to get crowned as the breakout team of the NFC North.

Here’s my preview of this week’s match up in Glendale.

Crown their ass: As I said above, it is time for the Bears’ ass to get crowned. They bounced back from a tough loss in Green Bay with a gritty defensive victory over the Seahawks. They now visit an 0-2 Arizona Cardinals team that has given up 58 points in its first two games and has only produced 6 points of offense – with all of those points coming in their first contest after putting up a fat ZERO against the Rams last week. If there is anytime for the Bears to dial their shit up, pull no punches and dominate, it’s this game. Easier said than done…but the Cardinals have played like trash this year.

“Squidward, technique!”: Remember that Spongebob episode where Squidward couldn’t figure out how to blow a bubble no matter how hard he tried? This caused Spongebob to yell “Technique! Technique! Techniqueeee!” and Squidward screamed the biggest fucking bubble we’ve ever seen. Where am I going with this? I hope Mitchell Trubisky blows a huge bubble on Sunday – a bubble full of deep passes, on-target throws and smart plays. Tru struggled with his technique against the Seahawks with both over and under thrown passes, setting his feet in the pocket and throwing the ball into coverage. I think Matt Nagy Spongebob’ed it up and drilled technique over and over again this week at practice – and now Mitch will be ready to Squidward it up with some newfound technique.

Be who the Cardinals think you are…on defense: Back to Dennis Green – the reason his Cards thought the Bears were who they thought they were was because he knew the Bears were a one dimensional team with a shitty offense in ’06, yet they still lost. That’s why 12 years later, these Bears need to be who the Cardinals think they are today: a SCARY defense. After another dominant performance on “D” led by NFC Defensive Player of the Week Danny Trevathan, Mack Attack and Prince Amukamara’s newfound interception skills, the Bears need to continue their defensive momentum against a Cardinals team hasn’t done anyyyyything on offense so far this season. Add in the fact that the Cardinals are trotting out Sam Bradford on those brittle stilts he calls legs – the Chicago defense has another chance to fuck shit up. No wonder Josh Rosen didn’t get the start this week…head coach Steven Wilks doesn’t want his prized rookie possession going down to Fangio’s Army.

Stacks on stacks on stacks: Something I’ve loved hearing this week in interviews with Bears players and coaches is this idea of “stacking” wins. Now that Swaggy Nagy’s crew has gotten over the hump of their first win, they can focus on stacking Ws like a cheezborger at Billy Goat Tavern. Never thought I’d reference a Soulja Boy song in my writing, but here we are – Stacks on Stacks on Stacks.

You wanna try it out, try it out: This reference is for all my fellow fans of the podcast “Your Mom’s House” by Tom Segura and Christina P. In case you’re wondering, I’m referencing this infamous video that I’m linking here (for the love of God – NSFW to the MAX). If you ended up watching it, this guy has a point when it comes to the Bears offense – this is the perfect game for Matt Nagy to try everything out on a 30th-ranked Cardinals defense. Let’s see some deep balls from 10 God to Allen Robinson and Taylor Gabriel. Bring on the shovel passes. Dial up some quick throws for Trey Burton and Anthony Miller to take up the middle. Hell, let’s get the pigskin to Kevin White if you need to. I just wanna see EVERYTHING this offense can do. Yes, winning is a priority. But, this is the perfect game to TRY IT OUT! One more thing on the offense…

try it out.jpg
Image: Merch Method

Give the ball to “Munch” and “Rik”: In case you didn’t know, Jordan Howard’s new nickname is “Munch,” courtesy of Eddie at Barstool Sports Chicago. Why “Munch”? Because when you give JH the ball, he munches up yards and scores. Seriously though, Jordan Howard needs to get the ball way more than he has the first two games. #24 has only had 37 touches and 175 yards in the first two games – this needs to go up and it needs to go up fast. Coach Nagy has a back who has rushed for 1,100+ yards in each of his first two seasons – let’s turn him loose. And of course, let’s not forget about Tarik Cohen. The big play capability is ready to be unlocked in the form of half back tosses, bubble screens and one-on-one deep threats. His 66 yards from scrimmage could use a nice bump on Sunday. “Munch” and “Rik” are ready to EAT.

Rik and Munch.jpg
Image: Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

The Return of Mike Glennon: LOL Mike Glennon plays his former team for the first time…as the Cardinals’ third string quarterback. Man, is this guy living the life. Goes from stealing $18.5 million from the Bears to chilling on Sundays with a clipboard. I don’t have a problem with Glennon, he seems like a cool dude. But damn was he a waste of space on last year’s Bears team – which was Mitch’s team before he even started.

Mike Glennon
Image: Chicago Tribune

Prediction: Bears 42, Cardinals 10. I hope you accept your invitation to the coming out party of the 2018 Bears – this will be their first BIG win for the season. I see Mitchell Trubisky chucking 4 tuddies to his tool belt of weapons and a couple of scores from “Munch.” If not that, we all know the defense will pick up the slack with a Mack strip sack or a third straight pick-6. Let’s get that offense going though…

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @ekurbyun for all my words on the Bears and Chi-Town sports.



Featured Image: Meme Generator

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