Ladies and gents take a seat, recline back put on some soft music and grab yourself a glass of wine. It’s another addition of a Ru How Too. This time we’re taking a look at how to navigate through a strip club.
You’re going out with your boys, hit up a bar maybe a club, it’s going to be an exciting night. You want to get laid, but you know you won’t. You put on your best fall flannel and your tightest jeans. The zipper doesn’t make it all the way up, you grab a paper clip so your fly isn’t down all night, you say in your head “But it will be later ha ha ha.” Even though it won’t. You take out $50 to get some drinks maybe by a round and tip a little bit to your bartender. You start pregaming, have a few drinks, crack a few jokes everyone having a good time. You go to break the seal and look in the bathroom mirror at your outfit. Is that me, you ask? I looked way better when I left the house, now in your drunken state of mind you see love handles, and you’re pale but no worries, you’ll look good in the dim lights at the bar.
The uber arrives and you all head out. Its cramped in the back seat you just want to arrive as soon as possible. You finally get there and you walk in $10 cover, shit. You pay. You arrive and look for a spot, you and your boys stand around talking about woman and people around you. “I’d eat her butt” your friend says, “I’d scrape my balls across 2 miles of broken glass to hear her moan into a walkie-talkie” another remarks. Everyone laughs, you’ll never act on it but it’s good to make jokes. Some friends dance a little some stand on the wall and laugh, everyone has fun. It’s now 12 and you know you aren’t getting laid. You haven’t spoken to one girl at this bar and someone says it…..”Strip Club” Everyone laughs.. HA! Yeah sure let’s go and then.. A moment of silence everyone looks at each other, pulls out there phone, this place is open until 3 it’s around the corner? I guess we can check it out another friend says, yeah sure another remarks, and you start heading to the nearest strip club. Everyone’s getting giddy and excited! Oh Buddy! Let’s get this going! Someone yells, smiles all around and you arrive, now your night is beginning.
You walk into the strip club, you all find a spot and start looking around. I like her, not her, not her, not her, not her, ewww for sure not, nope, nah, no, ehhh, no… Dear Mary and Jesus, yes. You see her, tall thiccc with 3 C’s and tits so big Lisa Ann would blush. Her name is Chocolate Barbara, you play it cool though. Dancers come up asking for money, don’t give it to to them. You walk over to the ATM make sure all the dancers see you, take out $200. $7 ATM Fee, fuck! Play it cool, it’ll be worth it. You go to take out $200, it’s a $100 max per withdraw, those sneaky fucks now get $14 in ATM fee’s. You see Choco Barb looking so thiccc and nasty, she winks, she must really like you. Like for real. You take out the money, go sit down. There she is dancing, she comes over to you and smiles. She likes you, not for the money, she thinks you’re cute. You slide a $10 bill in her thong, her Choco skin so smooth. She gets off stage you go to ask her for a dance, you’ve been cucked! Shes walking back there with someone else, what do you do now?
It’s ok you see another girl, tiny and Latin her name is Sophia Vergara. What a lovely name. Carmel skin big plump lips, how exciting. Your friends are looking around they want to leave, this place sucks. Sophia looks so good though. Your boys give you the nod, you take her back for one dance, turns into 4, turns into 5 turns into 10.. You’re out of money. She says “You get special pricing papi $200 for..” She motions with her hands. Special pricing? $200? She must really like me too if I get special pricing you say to yourself. You take out more money, you give it to her… Another $7 ATM fee but its ok, shes giving you special pricing. She takes your soft snake out of its cage, she pokes it under your belly and grinds on it for 5 more songs. She moans and seems to get off, wow! You’re a real man! You didn’t even do anything and she just got off, she tells you how great you are. How much she likes you, you realize wow she could have made me spend like $500 but it was only $421 with the ATM fee, thank god she really liked me. You tuck your dainty dick back in your pants and you and the boys head home. You lay in bed and watch free internet porn to get off, after all the stripper left you hung like a horse in heat. It hits you, wow I could have just watched free internet porn and got off, instead I spent $421 on a stripper? Only because of the ATM fee though. It sinks in and you realize, she didn’t get me off, she really must respect and care about me because she didn’t want to move to far to quickly, what a night!
That ends this addition on Ru How Too. Go enjoy them clubs fellas, do as I say and you’ll never go wrong. As always…
Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.