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Planet Fitness: NOT an Arrest-Free Zone

You’ve heard of “curls for the girls” or “squats for the thots,” but this guy went with “dicks for the chicks.” 

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Plaistow Police Department via Matthew Diebel, USA Today

First of all… holy shit.  This dude is terrifying.  He looks like Charles Manson minus the swastika on his forehead.  He is the LAST person I would want to see naked.

Everyone meet Eric Stagno.  He’s the psycho from Massachusetts who walked into a Planet Fitness, got ass naked right at the front desk, strutted his stuff through the gym, and then started doing some yoga.  I didn’t really have him pinned as a yogie, but hey, to each their own.  I mean, you have to throw those mats away now, right?  You can’t just use those shitty recycled brown paper towels that don’t actually do anything to try and wipe his naked ball sweat off them, can you?  They don’t even work.  They just smear the sweat and bullshit cleaning spray all around until you just give up and leave a worse mess than you started with.  Fuck those things.

Witnesses even told police that while he was walking around the gym, he scoped himself out in the mirror a couple times.  Like, do you think you look good?  You look like a haggard, meth head, kid-toucher.   However, it would be funny as hell to see this dude flexing his scrawny ass in front of the mirrors butt naked.

The best part about this whole story, is that when the cops showed up, this dude said “I thought this was a judgement free zone?!”  Hahah, well played, sir.  Of all the wrong shit this guy did, this was the one thing he got 100% right.

I used to manage a Planet Fitness back in my younger years, and I’ll be honest – if a guy walked into my gym and stripped naked right at the front desk, I can’t promise that I wouldn’t put that shit on Snap Chat immediately.  I would then probably send my least favorite employee to go confront him.

One of the worst parts of that job was all the friggin’ rules we had to enforce.  No jeans, no beanies, no gallon jugs, no slamming weights, no tits out for the boys… this list goes on and on.  However, if ANYONE broke the rules in my gym, I would light that Lunk Alarm up like a Goddamn Christmas Tree.

Just kidding.  I fucking hated that thing.  I don’t think I ever used it once.  That being said, a creep getting naked at the front desk might just call for a little Lunk Alarm action.

Just a word to the wise: next time you think to yourself “I’m just gonna go to the gym and rock out with my cock out,” think about Eric Stagno.  Don’t make the same mistakes he did.  You should DEFINITELY load up the bar and max your bench and squat real quick before the cops come.  Don’t waste your naked time walking around and doing yoga.  Spend those precious naked minutes getting your fucking pump on bro.

Featured Image – @PlanetFitness Twitter

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