So the other night while scrolling through my overpriced cable package looking for something to help me flatten some cushions. I saw BIG3 was playing on Fox Sports. GOT THE SUMMER ON LOCK, BIG3 ON FOX! I tuned in and immediately regretted my decision. I watched stars from my childhood look like their powers were taken by the Monstars and forced to play for comedic value.

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Last summer was the first time I tuned into the highly advertised BIG3 basketball league founded by rapper, actor, producer, director, father, brother, childhood memory killer, and every other title that exists, ICE CUBE. He said he could do it, he just has to put his ass into it. And when he put his ASS in it, the outcome was indeed ASS! I remember seeing commercials saying that Allen Iverson was a player coach and his cross-over could still make Jordan’s knees buckle.

Yeah, well that was not true. Iverson barely played, and when he did step on the court I started to cry because my fondest memories of basketball and Allen Iverson were disappearing and being replaced by accidental trips and awkward calls for AND 1!!! These guys are hacking each other and holding because they are too old and out of shape to actually play defense. Now that I am thinking about it, I could be a god damn defensive specialist coach for the Killer 3’s, also hate that they tried to incorporate the number 3 in every team name. We get it there are 3 old basketball players trying to make money somehow because they didn’t do the proper financial planning needed to sustain a life after their eight figure contracts. You have GOT to be kidding me. How is someone that made 100 million dollars broke? Maybe, I’m not having enough fun, but then again when I retire I won’t have to embarrass myself on cable to pay the bills.

Dear Mr. Cube,

Please cancel the current season of BIG3 and shut down this whole damn operation! At first it may have sounded like a good opportunity to make money, like every other thing you do. But, I need this to end because me and everyone else ages 20-40 are watching their idols and heroes embarrass themselves. I used to play basketball in my driveway with my Iverson shoes (The Questions), with my arm sleeve, finger sleeve (for athletic support), and headband. I wanted to be like AI, after every made shot I would run around and try to find my dog to step over like he was Ty Lue in the 2001. Game 1 THE SIXERS SHOCKED THE WORLD! I love Marc Zumoff and hope he never retires, because I will never be on the see saw again, I will never lock all my windows and doors, and I will never ever say YYYYEEEESSSSS ever again. Cube, please stop this. I need to remember the NBA stars as they were, I can go to the local YMCA and see a better game.

Thank you,

Every NBA fan circa 2000-2017

Follow me on twitter @VacayVinny

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