For the last month us Americans have been “all in” on the World Cup. As all in as we could be without (the true) Red White & Blue in the tournament. Screaming for “PK’s”, yelling CORNER KICK, and acting like we know what the hell offsides is. After all that we are now two days away from the final. Two days away from the matchup we all… wanted, yeah. Two days away from choosing a country to root for that most (if not all) of us could never find on a map. Here’s some help:
I could have sworn Croatia was basically Russia… (Kutztown U education) So I am two days away from being ALL IN on Croatia, and three days away from completely forgetting about soccer for four years and moving on to real Football.
I do want to take a minute to complain about England. I was also “all in” on England. I was loving the drunken seagull story (Thank you Joe Pop.) Loving Handsome Harry Kane (he really is a poor mans Ryan Gosling.) But most importantly LOVING the English fans… Those bastards! I swear I got hit with beer in PA every time England scored! I had a full tweet ready to roll for England vs France too:
Biscuits>Baguette Bad Teeth>Arm Pit Hair Kate & Pipa>Joan of Arc Pubs>Cafes
…But they ruined it. I am no history or math expert but if I am correct I do believe that makes England 0-2 against small underdog countries in the month of July. #1776.
Now on to the main event… “LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!” –Thank you Michael Buffer. Croatia vs France. Since you know I am a red blooded American and know basically nothing (everything) about soccer, I am going to make one on the pitch (field) point then onto the important stuff. Ready… France has a dude name Mbappe.
“Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah”
Its been 21 years but sorry Hanson I still hate that song. Chalk that up to an immediate L for France.
I am predicting the winner of this game based off five pretty obvious categories. Famous People, Food, Alcohol, Major Parties and Language Spoken. (And remember France is already down 0-1 thanks to Hanson.)
After doing some major googling, the famous people category really isn’t a competition. Ok, I will give France two: Andre the Giant, because well of course and Louis Vuitton. (because basically my wife would kill me and I can’t lie I have a LV wallet… Remember I am “That Guy”). But check out this Croatian depth chart: Freddie Couples, come on every golf fan loves Freddie Couples. Roger Maris, remember I’m a big Yankee Fan (and 61 is a fantastic movie.) Tony Robbins… YUP I love to be motivated. (I haven’t even brought out the big guns yet). Rick Rossovich (Who is Rick Rossovich?) Forget my favorite movie… TOP GUN… Yup, SLIDER from Top Gun is Croatian. 
Now just to get silly and make sure France stays down on this one I give to you the three closers: Rudy Tomjanovich, Zlatan Ibrahimovic (God) and ready for the mic drop: BIG. BILL. BELICHICK. France you can keep your Coco Chanel, Christian Louboutin (“these is red bottoms these is bloody shoes”) and Christian Dior. You all just cost us married men more money and thats an L you can’t come back from. 2-0 Croatia.
Food… Can’t say I have ever had Croatian food. French food is ok, but a nice sandwich on baguette bread is to die for so France may get this one. (but as you can tell I don’t really like France and I can’t judge something I have never had so I declare this a tie). 2-0-1 Croatia.
Alcohol... Again I have never had Croatian alcohol however they have something called Rakia and Rakia sounds delicious.
Wikipedia“Rakia or Rakija” (/ˈrɑːkiə, ˈræ-, rəˈkiːə/) is the collective term for fruit brandy popular in the Balkans. The alcohol content of rakia is normally 40% ABV, but home-produced rakia can be stronger (typically 50%).” That right there sounds incredible and France has what Grey Goose which is a piss poor Vodka. Let the Russians (or Texas YEAH TITO’s) stick to Vodka. 3-0-1 Croatia.
Major Parties. I have never been to either country but again this seems like a landslide. Ok France has the Cannes Film Festival or is it Can, or Cann or Kan? No one really knows and that a scientific fact. It looked fun on Entourage, however Croatia bitch slaps France aside again with… YACHT WEEK. (Trip booked for next year.)
I don’t even have to say anything except… 4-0-1 Croatia.
Last but not least, language spoken. Have you ever heard French and French accents? It just doesn’t make sense.
And Croatia…
Croatian Traveler “According to a recent poll, some 80% of Croatians are multilingual and, of that group, 81% are English-speakers. The next most popular language is German at 49% followed by Italian at 24%.”
According to my calculations I do believe that gives Croatia a convincing 5-0-1 victory, which of course gives them a major advantage in Sunday’s World Cup Final. (Why trust Vegas odds when you have “That Guy” science?)
My prediction: On Sunday the French will lay down faster than they did to the Germans in WWII. They may even cement their players into the ground at midfield and the Croatian players will just… Go around them. (check your history books kids)
Croatia has become (I allow them to borrow from the Dallas Cowboys) America’s Team this weekend! The (True) Red White & Blue will be cheering for the, well… Red.. White.. & Blue. (With the cool looking symbol in the middle) We will be emotional, we will be loud, we will be acting like we love and understand soccer and we will probably (definitely) be drunk! But no matter what happens, once Monday comes… We will forget soccer is a sport, forget who won and most definitely forget where Croatia is on a map. But until then… LET’S FREAKIN GO CROATIA!!!
Still hate me?
-Kevin “That Guy”